tru blood

Vampires. Love ‘em or hate ‘em, the beasts have sunken their fangs deep into pop culture and don’t intend to let go anytime soon. Vamps have been the “it” factor for more than a year now, but for me, vampire fatigue set in long ago. I’m tired of hearing about the overhyped “True Blood.” I deride The CW for launching yet another book-to-television revival in the form of “The Vampire Dairies.” And any mention of Robert Pattinson or Edward Cullen makes me want to chew my face off.

So how do we cope with pop culture failing us when we most need a new trend to talk about? Through mockery, of course. Here’s a rundown of eight ways to use the vamp trend to reinvigorate television.

Show Most in Need of a Vampire:

“Grey’s Anatomy”
This snoozer proved last season that it doesn’t mind scripting undead characters (hello, Denny). Ellen Pompeo’s whiny Meredith checks out early this season due to maternity leave, and Katherine Heigl recently announced she’ll skip five episodes to film the movie “Life As We Know It.” So what better time to throw a fanged villain into the mix? McBloody, anyone?

Runner up: “American Idol”

What you didn’t know was that Fox passed up this guy when they offered Ellen DeGeneres the chair of Paula Abdul:

count_von_count

Tough loss.

Show Most in Need of a Vampire Slayer:

“The Vampire Diaries”
For obvious reasons.

Runner up: “Bones”
It’s the perfect solution. Buffy slays Dr. Temperance Brennan, and then she and David Boreanaz’s Agent Booth Angel end up together at last.

Show with a Vampire that just needs to come out of the closet already:

“Gossip Girl”
I’m talking to you, Chuck Bass.

Runner up: “Lost”
Sawyer’s really an escapee from the “True Blood” clan. Just listen to his accent.

Network Most Likely to create a Vampire Crime Drama:

CBS
They already did it once: “Moonlight” (cancelled after just one season in 2008)

Runner Up: CBS
I hear “CSI: Forks” is already in the works.

Character Most Likely to Date a Vampire:

Sam Winchester, “Supernatural”
Sammy’s past hook-ups include Ruby, a demon who ultimately convinces him to open the doors to hell and thus jumpstart Armageddon; Madison, a girl who unknowingly morphs into a werewolf at night; and Jessica, Sam’s fiancée who was murdered by the same demon that killed his mother. Dating a vampire would be a tame choice for a change.

Runner up: Dwight Schrute, “The Office”
A) Dwight already believes in vampires (see season three “Business School” episode)
B) He is only 99 percent sure Ben Franklin is dead. 99 percent fact, 1 percent imagination.
C) He could defend himself against any possible attacks: He has the strength of a grown man and a little baby.

Character Most in Need of a Vampire Boyfriend/Girlfriend:

Vince Chase, “Entourage”
Anything to raise his faltering actor status, right?

Runner up: Annie Wilson, “90210”
Annie’s dumb. And this show is boring. It could use some “life.”

Character Most Likely to Kill a Vampire:

Jack Bauer, “24”
Terrorist or not, that bitch is going down.

Runner up: Echo, “Dollhouse”
Eliza Dushku’s Echo can be programmed to take on any persona and thus perform any action. So, obviously, the Dollhouse need only program Echo to become a vampire slayer, and Faith is back in action.

Show Most Likely to Introduce a Singing/Dancing Vampire:

“Dancing with the Stars”
Hey, if they’ll cast Tom DeLay, they’ll cast anybody.

Runner up: “Glee”
As long as it meets the criteria: It sings! It dances! It’s a misfit in high school!

-Sonya Chudgar

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